Neil Gaiman - American Gods

I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen–I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones who look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline of good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of The Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies too. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive

and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.

NO MORE SEX

All right you guys. I'm going to come clean with everything right now, all of us guys are horndogs. We might give off the perception of not being horndogs, but that's just because we're trying to get into your pants. Surprised? You shouldn't be. I know somewhere deep down inside that cold, dark, icy heart of yours, you knew this was the truth. Us guys will do anything or say anything to get what we want from you; pussy, ham wallet, squish mitton, bitch wrinkle, oyster ditch, yippybog, vajuju, punani, whatever you want to call it.

I'd like to briefly explain that it's not our fault that God made us this way. But we love that shit. We can't live without it. The reason why we're so horny isn't because we're perverted or demented in any way, shape or form. it's because we have a; penis, dude piston, pork steeple, quiver bone, or whatever you want to call the magical wand of life.

The whole point of me talking to you guys about this is that I'm going to be issuing myself a challenge. I'm going to not masturbate, fornicate, fuck, slam, smash, dip the anchor into the ocean, until I find someone I love. That means, by the time that I do find someone that I love, I will either

A) Have completely lowered my standards to the point where I could love a small feline,
B) Find a cute puppy in the street and have my way with it,
C) Actually find someone that I love and care about who I can share something sacred with.

Now I know this might sound like nonsensical rambling to most of you, but I thought long and hard about this (no pun intended). I was originally going to do this for 40 days starting on December 31st and ending on my birthday, February 18th, but I decided, "FUCK THAT SHIT, I'M A G NIGGA, I DON'T NEED TO BUST A NUT."

I know this might not sound like a drastic step to any of you (prude) women out there, but this is a huge step for most men. It actually borders on masochism in the minds of most men and most guys would view it as off-the-wall CRAZY to do something like this, to go against the very nature of man himself, but i'm going to do it.

So I'm going to formally let you guys know that from now on to at least 40 days, I will not be masturbating/releasing sexual tension in anyway. So if I sound like a dick, it's because I need to find someone worth loving.

Cheerio~





EDIT

Oh yeah, btw you guys. I used to be one of those guys that believed sex was something important that two people share with one another and create some kind of spiritual/emotional bond that can never be broken. I USED TO believe in that, then for the past year and a half, I changed my beliefs because the woman I loved walked out on our relationship. After a year and a half of believing in what most people in my age group believe sex is, something fun to do/just an act, I've come to the conclusion that everyone in my age group is wrong. Anyone who thinks that sex is just meant for pleasure, is a really sad person and now it's time for me to be true to myself and my convictions once again, time for me to go back looking for The One, and time for me to do something important for my future.

Take care~

Less Than 5 Minutes

I've been troubled for the most part of the day. I tried ignoring it thinking that it would go away. But it didn't work. I don't know what's wrong, or what's happening, but I do know that something is definitely wrong right now. I've been bothered today by my Christmas experience and the moral convictions and guilt that I feel because of the choices that I've made in my life. But that's not what's wrong. I think i'm going to go to the 7-11 and buy a lottery ticket. I'll post my numbers when I get back.

[30 minutes, a bag of chips, some swedish fish, and a pack of mamba chews later]

Apparently they don't sell lottery tickets after 10:00 p.m., so I didn't get any numbers for you guys to see. But I did come up with something for you guys. As I was sitting down eating my delicious snack foods in my living room, I thought to myself, "Is this how life is going to be for me 30 years from now? Sitting down in some apartment with all of my possessions and just living, eating, and dying?"

I looked around at everything in my living room. What I thought about in the room was the purpose for each object and how each one individually has had an impact and influence on humanity. I started thinking about the television and how it's the primary object of worship for over 3,000,000,000 people. I thought about the other objects in the room, the sofa, the chairs, the table, the dresser, and how they all serve individual purposes. I tied this in with how people acquire occupations and think of themselves as their jobs, imitating objects and I thought about how the truth of the matter is that humanity is quite out of place when it comes to this world. Everything that we've created serves an immediate purpose, except for humanity itself.

Chairs are for sitting in and if noone sits on them, then they are useless. Dressers are for putting things in and if noone puts things in them, they are useless. Sofas are for sitting on, and if noone sits on them, they are useless. Tables are for placing things on top of, and if noone places things on them, they are useless. Humanity is for ________________ and if noone ______________________ then humanity is useless.

I thought about how the person who came up with the system that we exist within must've had something in mind when he created it. The only thing that I can think of that he had in mind was the mass production of populace. The system being the creation of things that we don't need, so that the masses can retain sustinence through artificial edifices called societies and economies.

I thought about how artificial the weather is. How for the past two weeks, the weather here has been completely un-fucking-natural and it seems like noone but me is noticing it. One day it's 28F (-5c), the next day it's 72F (22C), next day it's 26F (-7f), then today it was 82F (28C). I think to myself, "Am I the only one that's read the Convention on Environmental Modifications?"

Then I think to myself, maybe this is Eden. Maybe those of us who are aware of things are the serpent, and we're here trying to convince all the Adams and Eves that there is more to life than carnal pleasures, that there is something greater than humanity and that humanity is something profound and serves a purpose higher than we can imagine.

By the way, it took 10 minutes to walk to 7-11, 5 minutes to find what I wanted, and 10 minutes to walk back. So that means this is 5 minutes (or less) of my thoughts.

An Overwhelming 12 Months

If you guys haven't noticed for the past few months I haven't written many entries. In fact, I haven't done much of anything. The reason for this is because there is nothing going on in my head. I have no opinions about anything i've seen and haven't cared about most things in my life or in the news to have a standpoint on or to write about. It's not "Writer's Block" like people talk about a lot on here, it's just that i'm tired. I'm so tired that I don't care about anything. I am so tired that my GPA dropped to the point of no return and I lost my scholarship. Can you imagine that?

I know you're going to say, "Well that was quite a repetitive paragraph up there, John," but I don't have any other way to explain it. It's the only explanation I have. But now i'm going to tell you guys why I am tired.

From November of 2007 to August of 2008, I was homeless. For the first couple of months one of my friends let me stay with him and it was okay, but that eventually fell through at the end of February. After that I pretty much lived out of my car from February to May, which isn't half as bad as it sounds, just wish I had tinted windows back then and more comfortable seats.

After doing that for three months, I made a plan to move to where I currently am now; set up living arrangements, set up work arrangements, set up school arrangements, etc so that I would be pretty much taken care of. On the first day of work and the third day of class, I was involved in a car wreck which left my car (home of the past few months) completely totaled. If the guy that t-boned me would've hit me six inches to the left, he would've went straight through my car and through me and I would be dead. But after getting hit with another car at 55 mph (89 KPH for international readers ), I was left virtually unscathed with only a scratch on my head.

So this left me in a dilemma in which the choice I made is still effecting me today, I decided that I would go on with the plan that I had set up and go to school/work and everything like that. That means that I would need to be at school at 7:30 A.M everyday, which would also mean that none of my friends would be able to take me to school and that, in-turn, I would not be able to stay at any of my friend's houses for the summer.

So pretty much what I did was figure out some of the things about my school and the environment that I would be in and work around that so that I could accomplish everything that needed to be done. I found out that the library would be open 24/7 during the summer, found out that the gym had sanitized bathing facilities and found out a couple of ways to get food from time to time on campus, and stayed on campus 5 days a week.

The plan sounds almost perfect right? Wrong. There's just one catch. Even though the library was open 24/7, you aren't allowed to sleep in it. On top of that, the lights in the library are EXTREMELY bright and during the summer the temperature of the library had to be kept around 55F constantly. So try sleeping in an extremely bright room that's freezing cold. I did it for the first week and everything was pretty much okay, but after that the security guards came to wake me up every 40 minutes so that I could show them my ID. This went on until I got my own apartment on August 18th. After that first week, I realized that I wouldn't be able to get any sleep and decided to make my next decision.

I decided that I would stay up 5 days a week, without the use of any stimulants, for the rest of the Summer (ending August 18th). It turns out that staying up for 120+ hours a week and trying to use the weekend as recovery time isn't really good for your body or mind. And I think that's why I'm in the condition that I'm in today. Even four months later, I've yet to recover from the level of exhaustion that I endured over the Summer.

In retrospect, I don't think that I should've taken classes this fall and that I should've just taken the Fall off to recover and relax. But I didn't. I decided to continue on with school because I might only have a limited time to do it for free (not sure if financial aid runs out after 4th year of school) and that it needed to be done. What a mistake.

Anyway, this is what I think is the reason behind me failing my classes and not giving a fuck about anything, and I know excuses are for losers and that I shouldn't use things like that as an excuse not to succeed, but I feel like the things that I went through over the summer were overwhelming and more than I could handle and that's why I'm telling you guys about it. I don't know if i'll ever care about anything or have an opinion on anything again, so I just wanted to tell you guys what happened.

Thanks for reading,

John McCullough.

FUCK ECOMMERCE

Every Tuesday and Thursday from 6:50 p.m. - 8:30 p.m. for the past 15 weeks of my life, I have attended my night school class entitled, "E-Commerce."

This is my Professor for this class:

For God knows how many hours I've been in this class I have had to listen to her talk about E-Bay, Amazon, and the business market online in broken english that I can barely understand or keep up with. I've grown up around asian people my whole life. I can even do an amazing fob accent, but for christ fucking sakes I can NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND HER. If I can't understand her, I'd hate to think about how many other people, who have had an influence from other parts of the world, are actually able to understand wtf she's talking about.

This is a conversation I had with one of my fellow classmates just now:

Sven7M (7:19:43 PM): how's class
II nice slice II (7:19:52 PM): shitty
II nice slice II (7:19:53 PM): i signed for you
Sven7M (7:19:59 PM): RAWK
Sven7M (7:20:01 PM): thanks man
II nice slice II (7:20:33 PM): "day bed hao menny dorrar dey wun tew pai"
Sven7M (7:22:24 PM): oh GAWWWWWWD
Sven7M (7:22:35 PM): I feel like I am there. STOP

In total, there are three people (out of 60) in this classroom that don't have their laptops out trying to keep themselves occupied during this timespan that seems like forever. ANYONE that can stand this class without a laptop in front of them, is the ballsiest, most badass person to have EVER been created. One time, I came to this class without my laptop and the only thing that I could think of was how many different ways I can kill myself without weapons, using the surroundings in the room. That's how tortuous this class is.

One of the class days, the first three rows of people, the most studious and bright of the class, got up and walked out all in unison because she decided that we need to know and understand what the letters HTTP stand for.

I've gotten so frustrated with this class that I've actually yelled out "FUCK" several times this semester, I've RICKROLLED the class three times, I've openly talked about having aids on my face and being afraid of getting it out of my butt, and i've talked about how I want to kill myself over and over again just so that I can relieve the pain of being in this class at these points in time.

This class has given me a clearer view of why I should not be in school. Thanks.


^---Level 51 Demon Warfairy

^---level over 9000 super ngr

^---Level 64 Queen of France!

^---Level 39 Bard

Hold You

"I guess it comes as no surprise but when i close my eyes, i see your face and it drives me crazy, and yo it drives me crazy cause i can't wait until i can just hold you and call you baby."



This line basically sums up exactly the opposite of how I feel about the opposite sex right now. I used to care about things like that more than life itself, and now it's the farthest thought from my mind. I've gotten everything I could've ever wanted in ALL of the relationships that i've had with the women that i've been with in my life, regardless of how scandalous or formal the relationship was.

I've pretty much had it all and I don't think there's much any girl can offer me anymore. I've been with pretty girls, smart girls, cool girls, ugly girls, thick girls, skinny girls, short girls, physical classifications aren't even a criteria i'm interested in anymore. Sex doesn't tempt me anymore and the idea of it does a lot less for me than it used to. The idea of lively conversation and communication far surpasses my desire for sex, as it is much harder to find than the act of consumation.

My life isn't even about finding someone anymore. I honestly don't think that I could be happy staying in one place for the rest of my life. I think that the only thing I can do to make myself happy would be to do something that everyone thinks is impossible, show it to them, and then find something new. The reason that this makes me happy of all things, is not because it shows people that i'm right or that they're wrong, it's just that it forces people to expand their views and to get out of their standard thought processes and that they and their belief systems are capable of error.

I just want to do something to help everyone.

Women

BITCHES

Certificate of Love

A long time ago, I was a lot better off. A long time ago, I didn't have to worry about anything. A long time ago, I used to care about a lot of people. A long time ago, I used to think a lot of people cared about me. A long time ago, I used to be in love. A long time ago, I was given a certificate of love. Certificates are supposed to be physical manifestations of an accomplishment, something that is not supposed to be transient. Here is that certificate:

"
CERTIFICATE OF LOVE

No matter where
You are
No matter what
You do
You'll be in my
Heart
'Cause i'll always
Love you
"

A long time ago, I used to things like this literally. But i've learned to think otherwise.

I've figured out a lot of things about people and the relationships that i've had with them. I am, for the most part, alone. How many of you even know what happened to me during the summer? How many of you did something to help me or even make yourself aware of my well-being?

Being alone and going through the things i've been through for the past 2 years has taught me a few things.

1) The only person that can look out for me is me.
2) The only person that I can really trust is myself.
3) The only person that really cares about me is me.
4) The only person that can assure my survival is me.
5) The only person that I should actively worry about is me.

I used to think otherwise. But i've grown, thank you for helping me grow.

It's time for me to take my life into my own hands and do what I was meant to do with it all along; Live.

Certificate of Love

[Coming Soon]

Sign

Do you want to watch it all fall apart?
Every time I walk, I watch, I look, I notice, I observe.
I read the signs.
And the signs are pointing in the wrong direction.
The signs are not naming the streets or leading me to the highway,
The signs are naming names.
Tombstones to mark the dead of children not even born.
And I don't mean abortion, I mean what is to come.

The signs are telling me to turn back around.
The signs are telling me to to research my past.
The signs are telling me to learn from my mistakes.
The signs are asking me questions:
Do you want to watch it all fall apart?
Do you have any control? Is there anything you can do?

Time is not a nice person, I know because the signs said it.
Time can be generous, but ultimately, time is indifferent.
Time does not give two damns or a fuck.
So what will you do? What will we do . .?

So I'm in the middle of the street, talking to the signs, and people are looking at me, pointing and laughing, like, "This motherfucker's crazy."
But do they not see the signs? Do you not see the signs?

If there is one thing in this world that you can depend on and you can best your last dollar on, it's the ignorance of the American people.
But still I have faith, and still I read the signs.
And they are indeed there. Some of us are lost and will not find our way, no matter what the signs say.
Some of us do not see the signs because we are too busy shopping.
Some of us do not see the signs because we can't help but stop and look at the accidents, and stare.
We are in a daze, we are amazed by the world's displays.

Some of us do not see the signs because we are giving spare change to the homeless.
We are getting gas.
We are volunteering for duty.
And we are watching television.
We are driving around in circles on spinners, and we are working 8-6.
We are on our way to the club, we are high, we are drunk, and we are sober.
And we do not see the signs.

We are listening to a moron babble, we are listening to tongues that lie.
We give them and ear, we give them a hand, we give them both eyes.
So we cannot see the signs.
Slow down, children playing in these streets and they cannot read the signs, they are only children.

Stop, . . . stop!

I fear there is no u-turn, and that this road dead-ends.
Because we cannot read the signs.
Do you not see the signs? We must read the signs.
And we must turn around.
We must turn around.
We gotta turn this shit around.
And we gotta read the signs.

Thoughts

I have no clear thoughts in m head as of the past year almost. All I know for sure is that as is said in the famous song Row Your Boat, "Life is but a dream." I'm sure of that and what I want in life. All I want is what i've always wanted. What i'm sure most of you want. I want someone that loves me for who I am. Someone that I love for who they are. And someone that I can enjoy this ride of a ride with until it's over. These have been my only clear thoughts in the past year.

Are You Not Entertained?

“Belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence.”
-Robert Anton Wilson

I am working for the time when unqualified blacks, browns, and women, join the unqualified men in running our government.
~Cissy Farenthold

What experience and history teach is this that people and governments never have learned anything from history, or acted on principles.
~Hegel

What does democratic mean when political parties don't have different ideological beliefs and different visions of the nature of the system and where the promised land lies -so that they can debate alternative roads to the future?

Elections become popularity polls swirling around trivial issues and dependent upon who looks best on television. Elections come to be seen as replacement of one set of crooks with another set of crooks...Real democracy demands real ideological alternatives at election time or it becomes an exercise in trivialism... To work, democracy needs a vision of utopia-a route to a better society-a vision of what it is that transforms narrow sectarian self-interest.
Lester C. Thurow

New Playlist

The new playlist is up. Mostly CYNE and Nujabes. Real Hip Hop, not Hip POP.

"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth - more than death. Thought is subversive, and revolutionary, destructive and terrible; thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habits; thought is anarchic and lawless, indifferent to authority, careless to the well-tried wisdom of the ages. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid... Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man.

But if thought is to become the possession of the many, and not the privilege of the few, we must have done with fear. It is fear that holds men back - fear that their cherished beliefs should prove delusions, fear lest the institutions by which they live should prove harmful, fear lest they themselves prove less worthy to the respect than they have supposed themselves to be."

~ Bertrand Russell

When do people get tired of doing the same things over and over again?

I think people get tired of the cycle when they realize that they are actively entrenched in one. When they realize that no matter what they do while they're in the cycle, the same result will always follow. They'll realize the necessity of getting out of the cycle when they realize that nothing fruitful will come from it, and thus come to the conclusion that it is against their own existence to participate in one.

What makes people become aware of the cycles that they actively participate in? That's the real question.

I already know the answerrrrrr

Essays

Major Character Flaw

It has been recently brought to my attention that there is something extremely wrong with me. This something affects all of my relationships with people and my views of people that I don't even know. Whenever I look at a person I analyze everything about them, their clothing, their walk, the way that they talk, their physical movements, the slight subtleties, the decisions they make in life, and their attitudes towards things. I do all of this so that I can do one thing, relate to them.

I put myself into other people's shoes so that I can see where they are coming from in the hopes of understanding them and building a better relationship based on that. The problem with this is that I even see characteristics in people that they do not know about themselves. I see everything that these people think about and choose not to express all at the same time. This character flaw of mine, being able to relate to people on an extreme level, has coaxed me into believing outrageous things and assuming that people are

ah fuck it, i don't feel like writing anymore.

Caring

Most of the time, when I ask someone a question like "how are you?" or "how's it going?" people take it as me just making small talk, but the truth of the matter is that, if I ask you something like that, it's me genuinely caring about how you're doing or how your day is. I hate how things like that have been downgraded to small talk in the minds of people today. Makes me fucking sick. A couple of other things that I tell people that I mean with all of my essence are phrases like "take care" or "goodnight" or "sweetdreams." Every time I say those things to someone, I genuinely mean them. I mean for you to take care, to have a good night, and to have sweet dreams, it's not just a conditioned response to variable situations. :( Maybe i'm not built for this bullshit of a place to live in.

The More I Think About It

The more I think about it, the more I think about how me not being in a relationship with anyone is good. Not just for me, but for whoever the unlucky chick to be with me is. Every single time I get involved with someone, the relationship goes to shit, that person stops talking to me forever, and I end up even more disgruntled about the whole life bit than before the relationship. Me being blunt with girls and telling them the truth about things just doesn't work out. I haven't used deception or anything like that in so long that i've forgotten about it. But for some reason, I'd rather be honest than have a relationship based on complex and carefully-constructed lies. Sorry, i'm not going to tell you everything you want to here, woo you off your feet, and be the person you want me to be; not again, never again.

Presidency

Just thought that i'd give you guys a little of my opinion on politiks and the Presidential election. Nothing is going to change, regardless of whoever wins. The same agenda that's been carried out for the past 100+ years will still go on and move forward. Just because the party changes, doesn't mean the domestic/foreign policy is going to change, and i'd say that you are a fool who doesn't remember Bill Clinton's administration to think otherwise.

Barack Obama's top adviser is Zbignew Brzezinski. That should be enough information for you to know that Barack Obama isn't who you think he is. Zbignew Brzezinski is the leading geostrategist in the United States and also a founder of the Trilateral Commission. If you want to be mad at someone for the foreign policy that the United States has had with Afghanistan and Iraq for the past half-decade, you should be mad at him. He's the guy that set it all up back in the early 90s with his advice.

Another thing I would like for you people to know is that just because you get to choose between different candidates from different political parties, this DOES NOT mean that they represent differing ideals. If you really break it down and get rid of all the buzzwords like democrat, liberal, republican, conservative; you'll find that both candidates are just people. So now you're voting for two people. But the thing is, each person has different ideals, beliefs, and frames of reference when it comes to viewing problems. So what you really want to do is find someone that best represents your beliefs, ideals, and can relate to you the most so that that person will be able to rule the way you want them to.

But the thing is, anytime you see someone running for office, they are the wealthiest elite in the world. I mean, let's be real. How well do you think multi-millionaires from the most esteemed hierarchical families can relate to you or me? Someone can't understand you or begin to relate to you if they haven't experienced what you've gone through in some way, shape or form. So why do you even give a fuck about the election if the person that you're voting for can't relate/identify to/with you? If he can't do those things, then he won't be able to do anything for you or even work in your favor. John McCain's father was a 4-Star Admiral in the Navy. Do you really think that the son of a 4-Star Admiral really gives a shit about you? So why bother?

Another thing is that people have confused a couple of words, which happens a lot. The two words I am talking about are "Electing" and "Selecting." There is a major difference between these two words that not a lot of people understand, so i'll break it down for you. Electing means to express a preference for. Select means to choose. You have the right to vote, which elects people, but you sure as hell didn't get to select them. Primaries? That's the funniest shit i've ever heard of. If you really want to get down to it, the people that are elected by us from the primaries are HAND PICKED by the most elite fucks in the political party. You get to pick the puppet on the left or the puppet on the right in the primary.

The funny thing about all of this is that politics as a whole has been going on, on the written record, for the past 6,000 years and people haven't come to this realization about the act itself en masse, ever. All it takes is reading The Republic by Plato or watching the movie Wag the Dog or maybe taking some time off from Heroes and spend that hour doing something that gives you a little more understanding of the complete fucking mystery that life is and the sham of a world that we all live in.

Anyway, got sidetracked, bored with stating the obvious. Going to leave you with a couple of quotes.

"If voting changed anything, it'd be illegal."

"You must like it when people in authority they never earned lie to you."

"Fuck you. If anyone in this shithole world gave two tugs of a dead dog's cock about Truth, this wouldn't be happening."

The dream~

Let me tell you about a dream of mine. Last summer, I was at a pretty low point in my life. Some people call this point "rock bottom," and it probably was, but I thought it was more like "the end of the fucking world." This was after me and my gf of two years, who I thought I was going to be with forever, and who I would've been more than extremely happy to be with forever, broke up. My whole world was turned upside down with this. I mean, I had it so ingrained into my essence that I was going to be with her that I couldn't imagine life without her, and then when the time came and she broke up with me, I didn't know what the fuck to do and life was so intimidating that I almost shit my pants. After not drinking any water for three days and not eating any food for about ten days, I had this amazing dream.

I was so depressed at the time and so empty in my soul that I thought about committing suicide all the time. (LOL) I didn't know what the fuck to do with myself and I didn't want to live life without her. (LOLOL) Call me a hopeless romantic I guess? But whatever. One day I got fed up with everything and decided that life wasn't good enough for me. So I reached in my pocket and pulled out my gun and shot myself in the head. As I fell through the floor, life became ever-so much more vivid. I could feel the gunpowder on my skin, the bullet penetrating and pushing through multiple layers of skin, bone, brain, bone, and skin. I could feel the blood gushing out of my head as I layed on the ground and the lukewarm puddle that substantiatied around my upper body.

It had been maybe about an hour or two before someone came upon my body. I was still alive somehow and I was well aware of my surroundings, more aware than when I didn't have a bullethole through my brain actually. I was extremely sensitive to everything around me, temperature, texture, psychological effects of objects and positioning of said objects, etc. Anyway, when people found my body and the paramedics arrived, even though I wasn't conscious in my body, I was conscious outside of it, I guess. I saw the paramedics take me, put me on a stretcher, take me to the hospital, run tests on me, and then I died. After I died, I was still watching my body and laughed at the Doctor's desensitized notions of life.

After this I ended up in the morgue and it was pretty cold as balls in there. My body was on the operating table or something and I figured that I'd really died. I was disappointed with everything. Disappointed with the whole experience of life as a whole, mostly. I thought to myself, "is this all that life has to offer? Is that it?" I went into a long diatribe about how disappointed I was with it and at how lame it was for me and how it was like going to a movie and thinking it was going to be badass, when it turns out that you saw all the cool parts on the previews.

Then I decided to myself, "fuck this" and gave up. Just let everything go. Let all of the attachments that I had to the world go. Let the whole breakup go. Let everything that ever happened in my life go. Let everything that I ever hoped for and dreamed for and imagined go. And decided to turn off like the light of a candle flushed away by a brisk wind. There was no more sensations, there was no more thoughts, there was no more consciousness, there was just the void and I was it and it was me and everything that ever had been and will be.

Then, somehow, I woke up and I was in another world. (class is over, to be continued.)

RAMBOOOOOO

This morning I had a dream. The Economies of the world all fell apart. There was massive starvation. Cities were covered with overgrowth. All of the old people and sickly were huddled into subways and underground tunnels to await their deaths. Travelling by car was virtually impossible, even if you could find gasoline. I decided I was going to go somewhere pretty far away to try to unlock the universe or some bullshit and some random chick wanted to come with me, it's not like I could tell her no, but it wasn't like I was going to take care of her.

We first traveled by freeways, which were deteriorated to a major extent and shaky at traveling at best. We traveled for about 50 miles on freeway at a VERY expensive cost and started traveling by train hopping. We maybe travelled for 400 or 500 miles by hopping trains across the country.

Eventually we reached a point where all the trains stop and a very thick area of trees had blocked all train lines in the middle of whatever country we were in. So we kept on our journey to where-ever by foot through the jungles/woods. We came upon a massive building that formerly could have been a university or something of the kind deep within the forest.

We eventually figured out that there were people who had lured us into the wooded area and that we had been fed false information our whole trip so that these people could kill us. There were about a dozen of them and they were very slick about what they were doing. Guns had long been over-expensive so they tried to kill us with a number of other things; knives, arrows, swords, etc.

I got hit with a couple of throwing knives and killed three of them. By this time, my companion, whoever she was, had killed two of them. Then two more came out and we were overly exhausted. You know what happened next? This is the kicker. Rambo jumped out of the trees and the whole world went black. The second that I woke up, Rambo killed the rest of the hunters.

I was so surprised by Rambo being in my dreams that I woke up and said, "WHATTHEFUCKRAMBO."

Death

Anyway: I'm not blessed, or merciful. I'm just me. I've got a job to do, and I do it. Listen: even as we're talking, I'm there for old and young, innocent and guilty, those who die together and those who die alone. I'm in cars and boats and planes; in hospitals and forests and abbatoirs. For some folks death is a release, and for others death is an abomination, a terrible thing. But in the end, I'm there for all of them.

-Death

When the first living thing existed, I was there waiting.
When the last living thing dies, my job will be finished.
I'll put the chairs on the tables, turn out the lights, and lock the universe behind me as I leave.
-Death

She really is beautiful, you know.

Refreshing

Thus we have these two psychological states called "acceptance of life" and "escape from life", but when they are opposed to one another in this way it is clear that "life" can only have a limited meaning. It means particular things in life--specific evils, desires, events, and situations, because when life is understood in its widest sense there is no possibility of escape from it. Everything is life, even escapism, and if the whole of life is to be accepted the desire to escape must not be made into a new devil.

Furthermore, total acceptance and love of life eludes us because in striving to attain it we are constantly at war with that which appears to go against it. The reason is that in trying to be united with life we are striving to achieve something that already exists; the result is that our very efforts to achieve it are hindrances in that they encourage the feeling that we are divorced from life and have to make ourselves one with it. But we cannot realize all at once that this union already exists because centuries of civilization have orphaned us from nature both in and around us, making us feel that we are self-contained, independent, and autonomous egos.


". . . And so the population was gradually led into the demoralizing temptations of arcades, baths, and sumptuous banquets. The unsuspecting Britons spoke of such novelties as 'civilization', when in fact they were only a feature of their enslavement." -Tacitus, Agricola, 21

Information Overload

Every time I go out of my room, I make it a point not to look at anything, not to take in any of the surroundings and I always try my best to not pay attention to what's going on around me. The reason that I do this is because I have a problem. A major problem. Whenever I look around or at anything I have this problem of translating the information to the enth degree. I absorb all the information of my surroundings and work out in my head the causes, effects, effects of effects, causes of causes, nature of said noun, purpose of said none, specifications of said noun at several vantage points, etc etc.

Example: I count bricks when I see buildings, I think about the weight of all the bricks, I think about how much layering was used to layer the bricks, I think about how many layers there are of bricks, how much insulation, square footage of the roof, how many windows there are, how big the windows are, how many bricks it would take to fill up each window, how deep underground the building goes, reasons of why the building is shaped certain ways at certain parts of the building, how ventilation will be with/without A/C, purpose of plants on outside of building, how many people could fit in each floor, how many rooms are in the building itself, how much square footage each floor has, how many floors there are, etc etc.

The list keeps going on and on about different things that I think about just by looking at the building. It's not a problem because the thing is, there is no logical progression in my thoughts. All of the things that I mentioned up there and probably about 10x more things go through my head instantly. But this doesn't just happen when I look at buildings, it happens when I look at trees, the sky, people, cars, bushes, streets, etc. Everything I look at I evaluate massively to the point of delerium.

I don't have this problem with sounds, just with vision. I don't know where I was going with this except that I just wanted to say that if I wrote about all the information I absorb on my 5 minute walk to school in the morning, it would probably rival the Homer's Odyssey in size and verse.

Love

"At the beginning there had been little true sensuality in it. Their first love-making had been simply and act of the will. But after the second time it was different. The smell of her hair, the taste of her mouth, the feeling of her skin seemed to have got inside him. or into the air all round him. She had become a physical necessity, something that he not only wanted but felt that he had a right to. When she said that she could not come, he had the feeling that she was cheating him. But just at this moment the crowd pressed them together and their hands accidentally met. She gave the tips of his fingers a quick squeeze that seemed to invite not desire but affection. It struck him that when one lived with a woman this particular disappointment must be a normal, recurring event; and a deep tenderness, such as he had not felt for her before, suddenly took hold of him. He wished that they were a married couple of ten years' standing. He wished that he were walking though the streets with her just as they were doing now, but openly without fear, talking of trivialities and buying odds and ends for the household. He wished above all that they had some place where they could be alone together without feeling the obligation to make love every time they met. "