How I Feel About You

"At the beginning there had been little true sensuality in it. Their first love-making had been simply an act of the will. But after the second time it was different. The smell of her hair, the taste of her mouth, the feeling of her skin seemed to have got inside him. or into the air all round him. She had become a physical necessity, something that he not only wanted but felt that he had a right to. When she said that she could not come, he had the feeling that she was cheating him. But just at this moment the crowd pressed them together and their hands accidentally met. She gave the tips of his fingers a quick squeeze that seemed to invite not desire but affection. It struck him that when one lived with a woman this particular disappointment must be a normal, recurring event; and a deep tenderness, such as he had not felt for her before, suddenly took hold of him. He wished that they were a married couple of ten years' standing. He wished that he were walking though the streets with her just as they were doing now, but openly without fear, talking of trivialities and buying odds and ends for the household. He wished above all that they had some place where they could be alone together without feeling the obligation to make love every time they met. "

Who said love couldn't be defined?

I thought to myself the second that I saw this in action in the real world, "damn, this isn't going to end well." How right I was.

On a lighter note, i'm starting to play competitive tennis again. I'm on a USTA League team now playing with and against some hardcore people, doing my best to get back in shape, and doing all that I can to be the best person I can be in every way possible.

Enjoy some wallpapers. ;O

^--Valor

^--Beauty

^--Perfection


^---Love

A Guy Secret

Alright everybody, this entry goes out to all the ladies out there. I'm going to have to talk to you about a couple of things. I know it may seem like guys care a lot about looks, but we really don't.

When we say we care about looks, it really just means that we want you to be in shape, but not so much in shape that you can beat us up or pick up heavier things than us.

That DOES NOT MEAN, that we care about make-up. As a matter of fact, guys could give a shit less about make-up. You know why? BECAUSE IT TASTES NASTY. Here's a hypothetical situation for you:

Guy: Hey baby, I haven't seen you all day! I missed you so much.
Girl: Oh I missed you too hunniebear! (even though I cheated on you today while you were at work)
Guy: *BIG FAT KISS ON THE CHEEK* WTF, THAT SHIT TASTES NASTY
Girl: But I wanted to look pretty for you...
Guy: I dream about YOU, not your make-up.

See what I mean?!!? Now i'm going to give you some examples of youtube videos that I would either kill the person making them or kill myself by watching them.


^--Damn girl, you sure can talk up a storm can't you? You just wasted 10 minutes of my life. During the duration of this video, I imagined pouring a bathtub full of this China Glaze nail polish bullshit and drowning you in it and for some reason, I think that would be a suitable death for you and that you wouldn't mind either.


^--Goddamn. I really want to poke your eyes out with one of those brush things.

But seriously though, girls that wear a lot of make-up are wearing their self-esteem on their face. Why do you think they call it make-up? Because you're trying to make-up (compensate) for something. That's really sad once you think about it, but SO TRUE.

Really though ladies, if you spent all the time that you spent on your make-up working out and getting into shape, then you wouldn't have anything to make up for. You wouldn't want to draw attention away from the rest of your body to your face and you would probably feel a lot better about yourself as a whole.

Ladies, us guys don't give a shit about your make-up. Throw on some eye liner and we think you're fucking gorgeous and any guy that does give a damn about what you look like with make-up on isn't worth your time and is probably a homo.

Ladies, why do you put on a face?


^--Get yourself one of these. :D

^---;o

^---damn straight.

^---BEAR SITS?!

^--- D:

My Grandma

Today was a day like any other. A list of things to do. A half-desire to persue said list. An ever-calling laziness to do anything more than get out of bed. But today was different. I could've stayed in my town and gotten a lot of boxes checked off that list but decided that I would do something inefficient for a change and go out to visit my grandmother, since one checkbox involved getting a document from my Mother who also stays in the same residence.

As I made the hour long trek to the wholesome plot of land where 2 generations of my matriarchy lived, I noticed how many of the drivers seemed particularly erratic today. I also noticed how everyone was driving 85 mph instead of the standard 75 mph in the 65 mph speed limit zone.

As I pulled up to the deserted county road, I thought to myself about the stories that I had been told about each property and its supposed inhabitants and how wild and crazy each one of them was. I thought about how easy it would be to get into a head on collision and how the accident probably wouldn't be found out for at least an hour after it happened and how whoever was involved would probably not get to the hospital in time.

I thought about how when I was a kid my mother kidnapped me from the apartment where my father and I lived and how a woman I had never met before was supposed to be my mom and how I was supposed to have some kind of attachment to her because of some title that she's supposed to have. I remembered that when I got to her house, I met my grandmother for the first time.

She was a really nice lady, a lot nicer than the crazy woman who kidnapped me, and while I was sitting outside on the porch she came out and talked to me about the stars and showed me a bunch of different constellations. The crazy lady that kidnapped me, in no way, resembled a motherly figure, but the lady that came outside and offered me comfort and a warm, heartfelt conversation definitely was my Grandmother.

As I pulled up to the shotty house, I realized that everything seemed all too much neater than it usually was and that there was an eerie calm about the place. My mother was on the porch hanging linens out to dry when I got out of my car. I greeted her and told her the business that I came to discuss and asked where my Grandma was at and she told me to sit down. She said, in the sternest voice i'd ever heard her speak in, "Your grandmother died on December 13th."

And that's how I came to find out.

I know you're in a better place Grandma. I know that you did the most with what you could do with your life and wouldn't take anything back from what you did, because you always did what you thought was right. I'll see you soon.

Neil Gaiman - American Gods

I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen–I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones who look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline of good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of The Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies too. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive

and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.

NO MORE SEX

All right you guys. I'm going to come clean with everything right now, all of us guys are horndogs. We might give off the perception of not being horndogs, but that's just because we're trying to get into your pants. Surprised? You shouldn't be. I know somewhere deep down inside that cold, dark, icy heart of yours, you knew this was the truth. Us guys will do anything or say anything to get what we want from you; pussy, ham wallet, squish mitton, bitch wrinkle, oyster ditch, yippybog, vajuju, punani, whatever you want to call it.

I'd like to briefly explain that it's not our fault that God made us this way. But we love that shit. We can't live without it. The reason why we're so horny isn't because we're perverted or demented in any way, shape or form. it's because we have a; penis, dude piston, pork steeple, quiver bone, or whatever you want to call the magical wand of life.

The whole point of me talking to you guys about this is that I'm going to be issuing myself a challenge. I'm going to not masturbate, fornicate, fuck, slam, smash, dip the anchor into the ocean, until I find someone I love. That means, by the time that I do find someone that I love, I will either

A) Have completely lowered my standards to the point where I could love a small feline,
B) Find a cute puppy in the street and have my way with it,
C) Actually find someone that I love and care about who I can share something sacred with.

Now I know this might sound like nonsensical rambling to most of you, but I thought long and hard about this (no pun intended). I was originally going to do this for 40 days starting on December 31st and ending on my birthday, February 18th, but I decided, "FUCK THAT SHIT, I'M A G NIGGA, I DON'T NEED TO BUST A NUT."

I know this might not sound like a drastic step to any of you (prude) women out there, but this is a huge step for most men. It actually borders on masochism in the minds of most men and most guys would view it as off-the-wall CRAZY to do something like this, to go against the very nature of man himself, but i'm going to do it.

So I'm going to formally let you guys know that from now on to at least 40 days, I will not be masturbating/releasing sexual tension in anyway. So if I sound like a dick, it's because I need to find someone worth loving.

Cheerio~





EDIT

Oh yeah, btw you guys. I used to be one of those guys that believed sex was something important that two people share with one another and create some kind of spiritual/emotional bond that can never be broken. I USED TO believe in that, then for the past year and a half, I changed my beliefs because the woman I loved walked out on our relationship. After a year and a half of believing in what most people in my age group believe sex is, something fun to do/just an act, I've come to the conclusion that everyone in my age group is wrong. Anyone who thinks that sex is just meant for pleasure, is a really sad person and now it's time for me to be true to myself and my convictions once again, time for me to go back looking for The One, and time for me to do something important for my future.

Take care~

Less Than 5 Minutes

I've been troubled for the most part of the day. I tried ignoring it thinking that it would go away. But it didn't work. I don't know what's wrong, or what's happening, but I do know that something is definitely wrong right now. I've been bothered today by my Christmas experience and the moral convictions and guilt that I feel because of the choices that I've made in my life. But that's not what's wrong. I think i'm going to go to the 7-11 and buy a lottery ticket. I'll post my numbers when I get back.

[30 minutes, a bag of chips, some swedish fish, and a pack of mamba chews later]

Apparently they don't sell lottery tickets after 10:00 p.m., so I didn't get any numbers for you guys to see. But I did come up with something for you guys. As I was sitting down eating my delicious snack foods in my living room, I thought to myself, "Is this how life is going to be for me 30 years from now? Sitting down in some apartment with all of my possessions and just living, eating, and dying?"

I looked around at everything in my living room. What I thought about in the room was the purpose for each object and how each one individually has had an impact and influence on humanity. I started thinking about the television and how it's the primary object of worship for over 3,000,000,000 people. I thought about the other objects in the room, the sofa, the chairs, the table, the dresser, and how they all serve individual purposes. I tied this in with how people acquire occupations and think of themselves as their jobs, imitating objects and I thought about how the truth of the matter is that humanity is quite out of place when it comes to this world. Everything that we've created serves an immediate purpose, except for humanity itself.

Chairs are for sitting in and if noone sits on them, then they are useless. Dressers are for putting things in and if noone puts things in them, they are useless. Sofas are for sitting on, and if noone sits on them, they are useless. Tables are for placing things on top of, and if noone places things on them, they are useless. Humanity is for ________________ and if noone ______________________ then humanity is useless.

I thought about how the person who came up with the system that we exist within must've had something in mind when he created it. The only thing that I can think of that he had in mind was the mass production of populace. The system being the creation of things that we don't need, so that the masses can retain sustinence through artificial edifices called societies and economies.

I thought about how artificial the weather is. How for the past two weeks, the weather here has been completely un-fucking-natural and it seems like noone but me is noticing it. One day it's 28F (-5c), the next day it's 72F (22C), next day it's 26F (-7f), then today it was 82F (28C). I think to myself, "Am I the only one that's read the Convention on Environmental Modifications?"

Then I think to myself, maybe this is Eden. Maybe those of us who are aware of things are the serpent, and we're here trying to convince all the Adams and Eves that there is more to life than carnal pleasures, that there is something greater than humanity and that humanity is something profound and serves a purpose higher than we can imagine.

By the way, it took 10 minutes to walk to 7-11, 5 minutes to find what I wanted, and 10 minutes to walk back. So that means this is 5 minutes (or less) of my thoughts.

An Overwhelming 12 Months

If you guys haven't noticed for the past few months I haven't written many entries. In fact, I haven't done much of anything. The reason for this is because there is nothing going on in my head. I have no opinions about anything i've seen and haven't cared about most things in my life or in the news to have a standpoint on or to write about. It's not "Writer's Block" like people talk about a lot on here, it's just that i'm tired. I'm so tired that I don't care about anything. I am so tired that my GPA dropped to the point of no return and I lost my scholarship. Can you imagine that?

I know you're going to say, "Well that was quite a repetitive paragraph up there, John," but I don't have any other way to explain it. It's the only explanation I have. But now i'm going to tell you guys why I am tired.

From November of 2007 to August of 2008, I was homeless. For the first couple of months one of my friends let me stay with him and it was okay, but that eventually fell through at the end of February. After that I pretty much lived out of my car from February to May, which isn't half as bad as it sounds, just wish I had tinted windows back then and more comfortable seats.

After doing that for three months, I made a plan to move to where I currently am now; set up living arrangements, set up work arrangements, set up school arrangements, etc so that I would be pretty much taken care of. On the first day of work and the third day of class, I was involved in a car wreck which left my car (home of the past few months) completely totaled. If the guy that t-boned me would've hit me six inches to the left, he would've went straight through my car and through me and I would be dead. But after getting hit with another car at 55 mph (89 KPH for international readers ), I was left virtually unscathed with only a scratch on my head.

So this left me in a dilemma in which the choice I made is still effecting me today, I decided that I would go on with the plan that I had set up and go to school/work and everything like that. That means that I would need to be at school at 7:30 A.M everyday, which would also mean that none of my friends would be able to take me to school and that, in-turn, I would not be able to stay at any of my friend's houses for the summer.

So pretty much what I did was figure out some of the things about my school and the environment that I would be in and work around that so that I could accomplish everything that needed to be done. I found out that the library would be open 24/7 during the summer, found out that the gym had sanitized bathing facilities and found out a couple of ways to get food from time to time on campus, and stayed on campus 5 days a week.

The plan sounds almost perfect right? Wrong. There's just one catch. Even though the library was open 24/7, you aren't allowed to sleep in it. On top of that, the lights in the library are EXTREMELY bright and during the summer the temperature of the library had to be kept around 55F constantly. So try sleeping in an extremely bright room that's freezing cold. I did it for the first week and everything was pretty much okay, but after that the security guards came to wake me up every 40 minutes so that I could show them my ID. This went on until I got my own apartment on August 18th. After that first week, I realized that I wouldn't be able to get any sleep and decided to make my next decision.

I decided that I would stay up 5 days a week, without the use of any stimulants, for the rest of the Summer (ending August 18th). It turns out that staying up for 120+ hours a week and trying to use the weekend as recovery time isn't really good for your body or mind. And I think that's why I'm in the condition that I'm in today. Even four months later, I've yet to recover from the level of exhaustion that I endured over the Summer.

In retrospect, I don't think that I should've taken classes this fall and that I should've just taken the Fall off to recover and relax. But I didn't. I decided to continue on with school because I might only have a limited time to do it for free (not sure if financial aid runs out after 4th year of school) and that it needed to be done. What a mistake.

Anyway, this is what I think is the reason behind me failing my classes and not giving a fuck about anything, and I know excuses are for losers and that I shouldn't use things like that as an excuse not to succeed, but I feel like the things that I went through over the summer were overwhelming and more than I could handle and that's why I'm telling you guys about it. I don't know if i'll ever care about anything or have an opinion on anything again, so I just wanted to tell you guys what happened.

Thanks for reading,

John McCullough.