An Overwhelming 12 Months

If you guys haven't noticed for the past few months I haven't written many entries. In fact, I haven't done much of anything. The reason for this is because there is nothing going on in my head. I have no opinions about anything i've seen and haven't cared about most things in my life or in the news to have a standpoint on or to write about. It's not "Writer's Block" like people talk about a lot on here, it's just that i'm tired. I'm so tired that I don't care about anything. I am so tired that my GPA dropped to the point of no return and I lost my scholarship. Can you imagine that?

I know you're going to say, "Well that was quite a repetitive paragraph up there, John," but I don't have any other way to explain it. It's the only explanation I have. But now i'm going to tell you guys why I am tired.

From November of 2007 to August of 2008, I was homeless. For the first couple of months one of my friends let me stay with him and it was okay, but that eventually fell through at the end of February. After that I pretty much lived out of my car from February to May, which isn't half as bad as it sounds, just wish I had tinted windows back then and more comfortable seats.

After doing that for three months, I made a plan to move to where I currently am now; set up living arrangements, set up work arrangements, set up school arrangements, etc so that I would be pretty much taken care of. On the first day of work and the third day of class, I was involved in a car wreck which left my car (home of the past few months) completely totaled. If the guy that t-boned me would've hit me six inches to the left, he would've went straight through my car and through me and I would be dead. But after getting hit with another car at 55 mph (89 KPH for international readers ), I was left virtually unscathed with only a scratch on my head.

So this left me in a dilemma in which the choice I made is still effecting me today, I decided that I would go on with the plan that I had set up and go to school/work and everything like that. That means that I would need to be at school at 7:30 A.M everyday, which would also mean that none of my friends would be able to take me to school and that, in-turn, I would not be able to stay at any of my friend's houses for the summer.

So pretty much what I did was figure out some of the things about my school and the environment that I would be in and work around that so that I could accomplish everything that needed to be done. I found out that the library would be open 24/7 during the summer, found out that the gym had sanitized bathing facilities and found out a couple of ways to get food from time to time on campus, and stayed on campus 5 days a week.

The plan sounds almost perfect right? Wrong. There's just one catch. Even though the library was open 24/7, you aren't allowed to sleep in it. On top of that, the lights in the library are EXTREMELY bright and during the summer the temperature of the library had to be kept around 55F constantly. So try sleeping in an extremely bright room that's freezing cold. I did it for the first week and everything was pretty much okay, but after that the security guards came to wake me up every 40 minutes so that I could show them my ID. This went on until I got my own apartment on August 18th. After that first week, I realized that I wouldn't be able to get any sleep and decided to make my next decision.

I decided that I would stay up 5 days a week, without the use of any stimulants, for the rest of the Summer (ending August 18th). It turns out that staying up for 120+ hours a week and trying to use the weekend as recovery time isn't really good for your body or mind. And I think that's why I'm in the condition that I'm in today. Even four months later, I've yet to recover from the level of exhaustion that I endured over the Summer.

In retrospect, I don't think that I should've taken classes this fall and that I should've just taken the Fall off to recover and relax. But I didn't. I decided to continue on with school because I might only have a limited time to do it for free (not sure if financial aid runs out after 4th year of school) and that it needed to be done. What a mistake.

Anyway, this is what I think is the reason behind me failing my classes and not giving a fuck about anything, and I know excuses are for losers and that I shouldn't use things like that as an excuse not to succeed, but I feel like the things that I went through over the summer were overwhelming and more than I could handle and that's why I'm telling you guys about it. I don't know if i'll ever care about anything or have an opinion on anything again, so I just wanted to tell you guys what happened.

Thanks for reading,

John McCullough.