Essays

Major Character Flaw

It has been recently brought to my attention that there is something extremely wrong with me. This something affects all of my relationships with people and my views of people that I don't even know. Whenever I look at a person I analyze everything about them, their clothing, their walk, the way that they talk, their physical movements, the slight subtleties, the decisions they make in life, and their attitudes towards things. I do all of this so that I can do one thing, relate to them.

I put myself into other people's shoes so that I can see where they are coming from in the hopes of understanding them and building a better relationship based on that. The problem with this is that I even see characteristics in people that they do not know about themselves. I see everything that these people think about and choose not to express all at the same time. This character flaw of mine, being able to relate to people on an extreme level, has coaxed me into believing outrageous things and assuming that people are

ah fuck it, i don't feel like writing anymore.

Caring

Most of the time, when I ask someone a question like "how are you?" or "how's it going?" people take it as me just making small talk, but the truth of the matter is that, if I ask you something like that, it's me genuinely caring about how you're doing or how your day is. I hate how things like that have been downgraded to small talk in the minds of people today. Makes me fucking sick. A couple of other things that I tell people that I mean with all of my essence are phrases like "take care" or "goodnight" or "sweetdreams." Every time I say those things to someone, I genuinely mean them. I mean for you to take care, to have a good night, and to have sweet dreams, it's not just a conditioned response to variable situations. :( Maybe i'm not built for this bullshit of a place to live in.

The More I Think About It

The more I think about it, the more I think about how me not being in a relationship with anyone is good. Not just for me, but for whoever the unlucky chick to be with me is. Every single time I get involved with someone, the relationship goes to shit, that person stops talking to me forever, and I end up even more disgruntled about the whole life bit than before the relationship. Me being blunt with girls and telling them the truth about things just doesn't work out. I haven't used deception or anything like that in so long that i've forgotten about it. But for some reason, I'd rather be honest than have a relationship based on complex and carefully-constructed lies. Sorry, i'm not going to tell you everything you want to here, woo you off your feet, and be the person you want me to be; not again, never again.

Presidency

Just thought that i'd give you guys a little of my opinion on politiks and the Presidential election. Nothing is going to change, regardless of whoever wins. The same agenda that's been carried out for the past 100+ years will still go on and move forward. Just because the party changes, doesn't mean the domestic/foreign policy is going to change, and i'd say that you are a fool who doesn't remember Bill Clinton's administration to think otherwise.

Barack Obama's top adviser is Zbignew Brzezinski. That should be enough information for you to know that Barack Obama isn't who you think he is. Zbignew Brzezinski is the leading geostrategist in the United States and also a founder of the Trilateral Commission. If you want to be mad at someone for the foreign policy that the United States has had with Afghanistan and Iraq for the past half-decade, you should be mad at him. He's the guy that set it all up back in the early 90s with his advice.

Another thing I would like for you people to know is that just because you get to choose between different candidates from different political parties, this DOES NOT mean that they represent differing ideals. If you really break it down and get rid of all the buzzwords like democrat, liberal, republican, conservative; you'll find that both candidates are just people. So now you're voting for two people. But the thing is, each person has different ideals, beliefs, and frames of reference when it comes to viewing problems. So what you really want to do is find someone that best represents your beliefs, ideals, and can relate to you the most so that that person will be able to rule the way you want them to.

But the thing is, anytime you see someone running for office, they are the wealthiest elite in the world. I mean, let's be real. How well do you think multi-millionaires from the most esteemed hierarchical families can relate to you or me? Someone can't understand you or begin to relate to you if they haven't experienced what you've gone through in some way, shape or form. So why do you even give a fuck about the election if the person that you're voting for can't relate/identify to/with you? If he can't do those things, then he won't be able to do anything for you or even work in your favor. John McCain's father was a 4-Star Admiral in the Navy. Do you really think that the son of a 4-Star Admiral really gives a shit about you? So why bother?

Another thing is that people have confused a couple of words, which happens a lot. The two words I am talking about are "Electing" and "Selecting." There is a major difference between these two words that not a lot of people understand, so i'll break it down for you. Electing means to express a preference for. Select means to choose. You have the right to vote, which elects people, but you sure as hell didn't get to select them. Primaries? That's the funniest shit i've ever heard of. If you really want to get down to it, the people that are elected by us from the primaries are HAND PICKED by the most elite fucks in the political party. You get to pick the puppet on the left or the puppet on the right in the primary.

The funny thing about all of this is that politics as a whole has been going on, on the written record, for the past 6,000 years and people haven't come to this realization about the act itself en masse, ever. All it takes is reading The Republic by Plato or watching the movie Wag the Dog or maybe taking some time off from Heroes and spend that hour doing something that gives you a little more understanding of the complete fucking mystery that life is and the sham of a world that we all live in.

Anyway, got sidetracked, bored with stating the obvious. Going to leave you with a couple of quotes.

"If voting changed anything, it'd be illegal."

"You must like it when people in authority they never earned lie to you."

"Fuck you. If anyone in this shithole world gave two tugs of a dead dog's cock about Truth, this wouldn't be happening."

The dream~

Let me tell you about a dream of mine. Last summer, I was at a pretty low point in my life. Some people call this point "rock bottom," and it probably was, but I thought it was more like "the end of the fucking world." This was after me and my gf of two years, who I thought I was going to be with forever, and who I would've been more than extremely happy to be with forever, broke up. My whole world was turned upside down with this. I mean, I had it so ingrained into my essence that I was going to be with her that I couldn't imagine life without her, and then when the time came and she broke up with me, I didn't know what the fuck to do and life was so intimidating that I almost shit my pants. After not drinking any water for three days and not eating any food for about ten days, I had this amazing dream.

I was so depressed at the time and so empty in my soul that I thought about committing suicide all the time. (LOL) I didn't know what the fuck to do with myself and I didn't want to live life without her. (LOLOL) Call me a hopeless romantic I guess? But whatever. One day I got fed up with everything and decided that life wasn't good enough for me. So I reached in my pocket and pulled out my gun and shot myself in the head. As I fell through the floor, life became ever-so much more vivid. I could feel the gunpowder on my skin, the bullet penetrating and pushing through multiple layers of skin, bone, brain, bone, and skin. I could feel the blood gushing out of my head as I layed on the ground and the lukewarm puddle that substantiatied around my upper body.

It had been maybe about an hour or two before someone came upon my body. I was still alive somehow and I was well aware of my surroundings, more aware than when I didn't have a bullethole through my brain actually. I was extremely sensitive to everything around me, temperature, texture, psychological effects of objects and positioning of said objects, etc. Anyway, when people found my body and the paramedics arrived, even though I wasn't conscious in my body, I was conscious outside of it, I guess. I saw the paramedics take me, put me on a stretcher, take me to the hospital, run tests on me, and then I died. After I died, I was still watching my body and laughed at the Doctor's desensitized notions of life.

After this I ended up in the morgue and it was pretty cold as balls in there. My body was on the operating table or something and I figured that I'd really died. I was disappointed with everything. Disappointed with the whole experience of life as a whole, mostly. I thought to myself, "is this all that life has to offer? Is that it?" I went into a long diatribe about how disappointed I was with it and at how lame it was for me and how it was like going to a movie and thinking it was going to be badass, when it turns out that you saw all the cool parts on the previews.

Then I decided to myself, "fuck this" and gave up. Just let everything go. Let all of the attachments that I had to the world go. Let the whole breakup go. Let everything that ever happened in my life go. Let everything that I ever hoped for and dreamed for and imagined go. And decided to turn off like the light of a candle flushed away by a brisk wind. There was no more sensations, there was no more thoughts, there was no more consciousness, there was just the void and I was it and it was me and everything that ever had been and will be.

Then, somehow, I woke up and I was in another world. (class is over, to be continued.)

RAMBOOOOOO

This morning I had a dream. The Economies of the world all fell apart. There was massive starvation. Cities were covered with overgrowth. All of the old people and sickly were huddled into subways and underground tunnels to await their deaths. Travelling by car was virtually impossible, even if you could find gasoline. I decided I was going to go somewhere pretty far away to try to unlock the universe or some bullshit and some random chick wanted to come with me, it's not like I could tell her no, but it wasn't like I was going to take care of her.

We first traveled by freeways, which were deteriorated to a major extent and shaky at traveling at best. We traveled for about 50 miles on freeway at a VERY expensive cost and started traveling by train hopping. We maybe travelled for 400 or 500 miles by hopping trains across the country.

Eventually we reached a point where all the trains stop and a very thick area of trees had blocked all train lines in the middle of whatever country we were in. So we kept on our journey to where-ever by foot through the jungles/woods. We came upon a massive building that formerly could have been a university or something of the kind deep within the forest.

We eventually figured out that there were people who had lured us into the wooded area and that we had been fed false information our whole trip so that these people could kill us. There were about a dozen of them and they were very slick about what they were doing. Guns had long been over-expensive so they tried to kill us with a number of other things; knives, arrows, swords, etc.

I got hit with a couple of throwing knives and killed three of them. By this time, my companion, whoever she was, had killed two of them. Then two more came out and we were overly exhausted. You know what happened next? This is the kicker. Rambo jumped out of the trees and the whole world went black. The second that I woke up, Rambo killed the rest of the hunters.

I was so surprised by Rambo being in my dreams that I woke up and said, "WHATTHEFUCKRAMBO."

Death

Anyway: I'm not blessed, or merciful. I'm just me. I've got a job to do, and I do it. Listen: even as we're talking, I'm there for old and young, innocent and guilty, those who die together and those who die alone. I'm in cars and boats and planes; in hospitals and forests and abbatoirs. For some folks death is a release, and for others death is an abomination, a terrible thing. But in the end, I'm there for all of them.

-Death

When the first living thing existed, I was there waiting.
When the last living thing dies, my job will be finished.
I'll put the chairs on the tables, turn out the lights, and lock the universe behind me as I leave.
-Death

She really is beautiful, you know.